Life lessons and traffic

Life experiences.

 

Life lessons.

 

They help make us a better person.

 

They come from either our own experiences or those of others.

 

They do not necessarily have to be gained by big events or big journeys. In fact, the best lessons come from seemingly mundane and day to day occurrences.

 

Routine daily life makes for great insights and experiences.

 

Take, for instance, traffic. Not the best feeling invoked by the mention of it?

 

Can be a great teacher in character building and learning about life.

 

How?

 

Let’s break it up.

A great day on the way to work (or another destination) is when there is no traffic.

A bad day is when there’s queuing traffic with no exits in sight.

 

The former can make us feel really great – that we chose the best route, the correct lane to be in and what’s more, left home in just the right time to hit the road in perfect time.

 

The latter can really frustrate us – frustrated with others on the road (who seem to be doing all the wrong things like lane hopping, going too slow or too fast – you name a wrong thing to do and someone is doing it); and frustrated with ourselves for choosing that route, not leaving home in good time and so on.

 

Now if you really think about it, how different are these traffic experiences from the ones which concern seemingly bigger things in life – when things work out for us and when they don’t?

 

The feelings they invoke are quite similar.

 

We are happy with ourselves when things work out and happily take the credit for it and enjoy the positive feelings invoked by the experience.

We are frustrated and angry when things do not work out.

 

But the thing to remember is that a queuing traffic is generally made worse by the circumstances that are not entirely in our hands – there’s simply too many cars and motors on the road, lights not working, road works, accident, police checks and so on – getting frustrated in not likely to help.

 

Best solution is to keep calm, look at alternate routes, think about calling ahead wherever you are heading so there is some future planning set in place. Fuming at the road or at the fellow drivers is unlikely to make matters better.

 

Similarly, in a life adversity, don’t blame the situation or those around you.

Keep calm and think about what can be done to improve a bad day.

  • Bring yourself to be completely present in your current moment. This means forgetting about what could have been, what should have been, how it should have been. Just deal with how it is now.

 

  • Weigh the actual problem. What is the problem here?

 

  • Think about the possible solution.

 

  • Weigh how much of that solution is in your hands.

 

  • Should you decide that you can’t actually solve this problem as it’s out of your scope or its out of your hands then think about what you can do to ease the burden of that problem. There’s always something that can be done. 

 

Similarly, the day the traffic is good, remember that a lot of things have to line up to give you a good day – green lights, no road works, no accidents etc.

 

So a good run on the road is not really entirely one person’s doing but an alignment of lots of out of control elements.

 

Keeping this simile in mind for the good days in life helps us keep grounded.

The good times are not just a one man job and we would be wise to not take all credit to ourselves as good circumstances are often a happy result of a number of things lining up in our favour.

 

We are but a small part of something big – our universe-  and we will do well to keep that awareness and have tolerance for others and abundance of patience for ourselves.

 

I don’t own all the good days, hence I don’t own all the bad days.

 

I think about the good days and strive to do more of what role I played in making it good and I think about the bad days and strive to do less of what made the day bad.

 

But I share my days with the universe – with those around and our experiences together connect us and help “I” feel less lonely – a curse of our present day generation.

 

Be one with you but remember to be one with your surroundings too.

 

Its an illusion of ours to think that we are separate and we can do and achieve things on our own. We are part of universe and part of that universe is within us. Once we understand this, it helps us develop more understanding and tolerance for ourselves and  the fellows.

 

The path to discovering self, the greatest of all quests, is to look within.

Its to know self.

To know self is Ego.

Ego is good.

Ego is positive.

Ego connects.

 

The path to loosing self is to be full of self.

To be full of self is Egoism.

Egoism is negative.

Egoism disconnects.

 

To feel the connection with the universe around is a big step close to achieving the idyllic content state of being – Nirvana.

 

So when on the road tomorrow, let your Ego rule, not the Egoism.

 

Feel that you’re part of the universe and not alone in your good fortune or your suffering.

 

Reflect and analyse what can be done to improve your situation but stay patient with those around you – most are in same boat as you, they just seem different as some are more gracious in adversity, others less so.

 

You stay true to yourself, don’t let your behaviour be guided or influenced by others.

 

Stay true to yourself and add a grain of glitter to the universe for everyone.

 

So much learning – from the traffic jam!!

 

Bless the jam!

 

Think traffic.

Think meditate.

Think reflect.

Reach nirvana.

 

I guess the person who came up with the great saying – when life gives you lemons, make lemonade – thought somewhat along the same lines:)

 

In present day though, it can be adapted thus:

When roads give you traffic, practice Ego and not Egoism.

 

I’m already relaxed.

 

Bring on the traffic, there’s a great deal more reflection to be done!

 

 

 

My present to me on my birthday

As I celebrate my fortieth birthday,

I look back at the years gone by.

 

Seems like I am halfway through the journey of life,

do I celebrate this achievement or do I get myself into a strife?

 

Life has been kind,

so I ask myself, ” being the big four oh, do I really mind?”

 

Reaching here was a mix of joy sadness ecstasy hard work and some trudge,

so why should I this beautiful journey begrudge?

 

I am who I am regardless of how old,

this thought feels happy and good as gold.

 

With this thought I accept I am happy to be forty,

so what should I gift myself to celebrate this party?

 

As I look around I realise and accept,

that it’s actually quite easy finding the best present.

 

My present station in life is good and simple and my own,

why spoil it with goods bought from a shop made by unknown for someone unknown?

 

I accept my present – my this day,

as my best present for my special birthday.

 

But then a thought comes to my mind,

what makes my life so kind?

 

Hasn’t life thrown bad times and challenges my way,

hasn’t it made me cry and despair and want to run away?

 

Yes it did all that,

but it also gave me the resilience to be phat.

 

It taught me some useful lessons as years went by,

the lessons that helped me to face the challenges thrown my way.

 

When I felt envious and jealous and self centred,

life taught me to be kind,

to not have vile thoughts in my mind.

 

When I struggled and experienced impatience,

life taught me resilience.

 

It said to carry on no matter how hard things seemed,

and indeed when I did that things turned out much easier than they deemed.

 

When I dreamt big and reached for a star,

and a little voice inside said it was much too far,

life told me to put my heart and soul into my dream,

and told me to reach for my star no matter how far it may seem.

 

 

But then it also showed me that we are limited to a degree,

there’s a power that is stronger and with that I agree.

 

We all get our dues,

fighting the destiny is of no use.

 

Acceptance of our station is essential,

adapting and moving on is prudential.

 

Life also made me cry,

when it made me try and try,

and still left me all empty and dry.

 

It then came to my rescue with a lesson,

it whispered well done for the effort but nudged me to move on.

 

Life showed me that when you follow and follow your ambition with heart,

all things in the universe line up to give you the start.

 

My mother said this when I was little,

it annoyed me then and made me whittle.

She said if a job needs doing,

and doing it is worth your while,

you might as well do it with a smile.

 

Life taught me not to judge,

to not to look at others and fudge.

 

It showed me that anyone can have addictions,

its just that some are obvious,

whereas others are deceptions.

 

I am addicted to my work game,

which may seem noble,

but an affliction all the same.

 

Life has slowly even painfully,

taught me to love self fully.

 

Other’s pictures may seem prettier,

and the lights may even make them seem glitterier.

 

But here’s the key,

the everlasting arrow in your bow –

a possession more precious than you’ll ever know.

 

And with you it’ll always stay,

as long as you don’t loose its sight and push it away.

 

That priceless possession is true,

it’ll always be with vous – because it’s you.

 

 

 

 

 

The lifecycle of anxiety

When you have the good fortune that I do of being allowed quite intimate glimpses into the lives, minds and psyches of so many different people, you can not help but be amazed and awed by the extraordinary range of human emotions, tenacious ability to cope and adapt. People constantly work towards what they believe will make their lives better. But does the end always meet the expectations? Do we always nail the idea of what happiness is? Does the journey take the toll if we don’t recognise the true meaning of personal happiness and unconsciously keep carrying the burden of generations before us?

Here’s a story that evoked these thoughts in my mind. Will be interesting to see what your analysis of this family’s story will be.

Alex was born in a large family. His father George was a decorated war hero and had returned home after serving in the Great War with pride but also carrying the hardness instilled by the cruel experiences of the war. The already tough farm life was further hardened by the distant and detached behaviour of the father who believed that children should be disciplined and love is an emotion to be felt and now shown, in fact any show of loving emotions weakens the children. Quite early in his life Alex got used to being at the receiving end of George’s thrashings, verbal jibes and berating as Alex was somewhat creatively inclined and this frustrated his father no end as this was very distant from his idea of the son he wanted. George often told Alex’s mother that he needs strong sons to work on his farm, not singers who are not men enough. This instilled a deep sense of not being enough in Alex’s mind. The life at farm suffocated him and soon as he was able to, he ran away from home and one way or the other found himself on a boat to America – the land of promise. Alex told himself constantly through the hardships of journey that soon as he put foot on American soil things will be different – he will be happy again.

The instant happiness didn’t show up but as Alex started grappling the realities of starting a new life in a foreign land, he met a girl, Barbara, and both set up a home for themselves. To meet the dreams of owning their own house and settling up lives of their three children they worked four jobs between themselves. Life soon settled into the routine of working, paying bills, putting kids through school and generally getting through life.

Anna was the youngest of the three kids and just like her older siblings she was also brought up in a strict household which laid emphasis on results where success was measured in achievements – an important thing for the migrant family trying to make its place in the foreign land – full of opportunities but also quick to remind them in subtle ways that they were still outsiders.

Alex and his kids didn’t see eye to eye on the matter as the kids, having been born in America couldn’t understand why dad still compared life here and “back home” – for the kids this was home but dad clearly didn’t agree and this created a deep sense of confusion in their young minds.

Alex, on the other hand, felt cheated out of a chance to enjoy prosperity in own homeland as he felt sure that given half a chance he could have built this kind of life back home and infact would have been better off.

He constantly felt dissatisfied with his station in life. His dream had been to own a home and car but his eventual achievements in the new land – a home, car and then even another car, were never satisfactory. He continued to experience a subconscious sense of needing to prove himself and feeling he was not good enough – a sense that had been instilled in his younger years when he was but a child, by his father.

This combination of hard work, a raw instinct typical to first generation migrants to survive, do well and look out for themselves and the eventual lack of satisfaction made him quite grumpy and he frequently took his frustration out on his kids, drunk a lot and didn’t think twice about hitting his wife. He had seen his father hit others when they annoyed him so why should it be different for him?

Anna saw all this. And in a simple clear way that is only given to children she understood that this is not a happy life. She made up her mind to find a way to get out of the house as soon as she could. She took this decision years before she had gained the maturity to tackle the gravity of the decision. This overwhelmed her little inner environment and this manifested outwardly in impatient and restless temperament. She was quick to get angry and had little patience for anyone. Through all this she managed to finish her course in book keeping, met a lovely young man Peter and went on to get married and have two lovely girls – Alanna and Ariel.

After the birth of girls life got busier and Anna struggled to adjust. She found herself getting annoyed quite easily, felt stressed and tired all the time. She also didn’t enjoy engaging in any hobbies any more. Her sleep started being disturbed and her appetite wasn’t the same – she was either following fad/restricted diets or simply not caring. She tried talking to Barbara about this but her mother, hardened by own life experiences, recounted to Anna how hard her own life had been and how she had coped so she couldn’t understand why Anna wasn’t able to cope even though she had far better life than her own. Peter was sympathetic but just advised Anna to relax more and just be more happy.

This annoyed Anna even more as she knew all this but she just couldn’t seem to be able to do it. The frustration of being judged and patronised irritated Anna and made her situation more despairing.

She instead started focusing on raising her two girls. The control Anna lost over her own life, she gained it in being able to control the lives of the two little girls. Being in control gave her some stability.

She made rigid routines for the girls and every single moment of girls’ lives was controlled by the seemingly devoted mum. But the reality was that Anna was subconsciously putting all her efforts in raising her kids perfectly as the control was the only thing that provided some respite from the the mental anguish she experienced otherwise. This controlled upbringing raised two girls who were not wanting for anything, felt quite entitled but were weak at recognising their own emotions and managing them as they had been told from young age, every step of the way, by their mum how they should be feeling, how they should be behaving. In return for all the efforts Anna put in raising the girls, she demanded them to be orderly, well behaved, be at the top of class in school, do well at ballet and gymnastics. When the kids didn’t achieve something to her expectations, Anna was quick to reproach them. The memories of childhood were filled with more irritating rants and shouting from mother with hardly any quiet words of encouragement.

Ariel was the younger and more sensitive of the two girls and from quite a young age she developed a sense of being judged in all her actions. She developed a sense that people are watching and their approval is very important. The repeated sounds of Anna hissing through her gritted teeth at supermarket were instilled in her mind “people are watching! what will they say!”

Ariel didn’t quite understand how she was going to earn everyone’s approval and in her young mind she decided that if she can have others’ attention then that might be good enough. She didn’t really care how she got the attention. She learnt very quickly that fighting, pushing and shoving others at school got her the attention quite quickly and her immature mind adapted this to being an acceptable way to get the result she so craved. She started being reprimanded by teachers and her parents for her behaviours.

When she was in her classroom she felt as if the kids were looking at her and laughing at her. She felt very lonely and unhappy. She made up her mind to not to be nice to others anymore because if she didn’t try to be nice to them then she doesn’t have to worry about  them laughing at her. Slowly Ariel picked up the reputation off being inattentive in class, poor learner, unfriendly and a bully in nature.

On her own Ariel felt very lonely and rejected. She constantly felt that she didn’t live unto the expectations put on her by her mother at a very young age as she was always being told off for one thing or the other. She learnt slowly not to like herself much and lost any confidence in herself.

She found it very hard to adjust to any changes in her routines, couldn’t cope with small discomforts such as minor injuries or ailments – infact she played on them as much as possible as that was the only occasion she got attention from her parents. She found it hard to regulate her emotions and got angry quickly and lost her temper with fairly everyone.

Ariel finished the school with difficulty and enrolled herself into a course which she didn’t really enjoy but felt this will earn her parents’ approval . She found it hard to cope with the stresses of her studies and soon started smoking and drinking.

Life had come full circle. The post traumatic stress disorder that went unrecognised and untreated appropriately in the great grandfather eventually culminated in the discovery of twenty year old Ariel’s body in a cheap motel with syringe marks on arms indicating accidental drug overdose.

The anxiety that passed from one generation to the other, the learned behaviours of anxiety that defined each person’s character, the feelings of low self esteem, self doubt and emotional lability that got passed into each generation at a very tender age had finally claimed its final victim.

As Alanna looked at her younger sister’s lifeless body she made up her mind to break the cycle. Right then and there.

Goodbye, Pap smear! Hello, Cervical screening test!

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but things keep coming up!

Enjoying a few days in the country side and have some much needed time on my hands. There’s something in the country air which is immensely relaxing and calming, which puts things in perspective a bit, makes you realise there’s more to life than reaching daily goalposts, getting to places and meeting deadlines. Quiet clean air, birds chirping, leaves rustling in the soft warm wind of the summer, water flowing gently in the river …. ahhh bliss!

Anyway, back to the equally calming (not!) topic of the Pap smears. So, Australian health system has decided to bid adieu to the good old Pap smears.

All of you will know that Pap smear has been the universally accepted method of screening for cervical cancer in women and has been around for ages, since WW II to be precise.  An interesting fact about this test is that its named after it’s inventor, a Greek American pathologist, Dr George Nicholas Papanikolaou, who started his research in the area of trying to find a non invasive test to diagnose uterine cancer through sweeping some cells from neck of the womb. He started working on this around 1923 and it wasn’t until 1943 that he was able to publish the groundbreaking work ” diagnosis of uterine cancer by the vaginal smear” which made his work known far and wide and the method became universally acceptable.  So for over 20 years of his life this pioneer worked on methods to describe the cell changes that occur in the cells of cervix in cancer, how to prepare the slides to collect a good sample etc. All through these years he apparently fought the scepticism of medical fraternity which initially rejected the idea as being ludicrous! History states that one of the most crucial contributors in his work were his patients with uterine cancer who allowed him to experiment by taking samples from their cervix and study. None of the scientific work we do, the big discoveries that are made will ever be possible without the contribution from the patients themselves. So anytime a patient asks me about my opinion about participating in a scientific study I’m encouraging about them being an invaluable part of a possible life changing experiment for millions, for many generations to come, as we have seen in the case of Pap test.

Pap test has been based on the principle of taking a sample of cells from the cervix(neck of the womb) by the health care professional trained in doing this procedure and preparing a slide from it. The slide then makes its journey to the lab where the pathologists study it for any changes that are a deviation from the normal cells. If there are no changes then its obviously a normal study but if there are any changes then they are further put into various categories, ranging from possible small changes to highly abnormal, suggesting the ultimate bad guy, cervical cancer.

It’s now well known that all of these changes, whether small or more significant, occur due to a virus named HPV – Human Papilloma Virus.

So the key change that is happening in replacing Pap smear with cervical screening test (CST) is that Pap smears used to rely on picking up the cell changes that had already occurred ( the effect of the virus) and the new cervical screening test relies on picking up the virus itself ( the cause of all cell changes in the cervix).

This has changed the landscape of the screening test as we are no longer waiting to check  and assess the extent of the damage done by the virus but we are targeting the virus itself.

This makes CST a far superior test as its picking up the problem (virus) before it has become a problem (cell changes).

This is where the beauty of this test comes in,  which I am sure will appeal to almost all women : due to its superiority in picking up the pathogen itself, a negative test means that you don’t have to have another screening test for five years!

The reasoning behind this is cervical cancer is a pretty slow growing cancer. I remember being taught at med school that for a nasty subtype of virus to make home in the cervix and for it to grow to full blown cancer, it can take unto ten years – this is the theory behind the safety in leaving these long periods in women who don’t have the virus.

So, lets say you have a normal CST and get an all clear for 5 years, then you get exposed to the virus unbeknownst to you and you remain without any symptoms then the virus wouldn’t have had enough time to cause any serious damage by the time you have the next test.

But if on the other hand, you do start having any symptoms such as irregular vaginal bleeding, particularly in between periods or after intercourse, then you should see your doctor, regardless of the last test being negative, as then your doctor may decide to undertake some further tests.

Coming back to the root cause of all this problem and the conversation about cervical cancer and the need for a robust screening program – HPV. Its not a single virus but a whole family – with about 170 known members so far. Not much unlike our human families! Some members of the family are quite benign and cause no symptoms and resolve by themselves without needing any intervention, some are pesky and linger for a bit and can cause warts or precancerous changes which can then lead to cancerous changes. Nearly all cancerous changes are due to 2 subtypes, HPV16 and HPV18 which account for about 70% of all cases. CST can’t pick up all the virus members but looks for the problem ones, which tend to be the troublemakers and are our concern anyway.

The other difference with the new screening test is the age. Previously it was 20 yrs to 70 yrs of age whereas now it starts at 25 and goes upto 74 yrs.

The start age for the screening may seem somewhat late from what to used to be but like most other scientifically backed programs, that has logical reasoning too. And the reasons are:

a) HPV vaccination has changed the landscape a lot. It’s able to provide significant protection, provided its administered prior to the onset of sexual activity. Hence the drive to vaccinate young people whilst they are still at school – it sets them up with the best possible protection for the rest of their lives;

b) Younger people have sturdy immunity and most youngsters are able to clear the virus by themselves without needing any intervention.

But what about people who are in the age group 20-25 yrs and had already started the Pap smears under the old screening program? Well, if their last smear test was normal they will get notification from National Cervical Screening Registry when their first CST should be done to get them integrated into the new screening program. If there last Pap smear was abnormal then they should continue to follow the advice they received from their doctor regarding follow up intervals.

Lots of information here! Please remember this is quite general advice and your circumstances may be different based on your own health, lifestyle etc. So make sure you take the opportunity to have a discussion with your health care professional about your screening test as they’ll be best placed to guide you in the right direction.

Happy screening!

 

Kamini : Opioid marketed under the guise of Ayurvedic preparation

Having grown up around the Indian culture and having had the privilege of studying the ancient language of Sanskrit, I have known and understood Ayurveda to be a traditional, herb based, non chemical, healing remedies derived from mother nature. The words that come to mind when I think Ayurveda are: tradition, wisdom, natural, safe.

So when I recently started work with people who are struggling with drug addiction and recurrent mention came up of this ‘Ayurvedic medicine’ Indian men are taking and which they have got dependent on, to the point of requiring assistance from specialist that provides assistance with heroin addiction, it caught me by surprise and intrigue.

Until a few weeks ago I had not heard or read anything about it. And suddenly I am seeing a whole lot of young migrant Indian men who are addicted to the drug. So much so that they are not able to function. They have given up their studies, work and their families are falling apart so what’s going on here?

This ‘Ayurvedic medicine’ is called Kamini. It’s available online and also under the counter at a few Indian food and grocery stores and is marketed as an aphrodisiac.

The label information reads as such:

Kamini vidrawan ras is one of the safest ayurvedic medicine with potent herbs and minerals, constituting a herbo-mineral ayurvedic drug having aphrodisiac effects on human health. It is available in the form of Tablets and also known as Kamini Tablets. It has excitement stimulating effects and properties, that is how Kamini vidrawan ras is helpful in improving sexual vigour,  cures erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. “(www.kaminividrawanras.com)

The catch is that when people start talking this ‘safe Ayurvedic medicine’ they report development of dependence quite quickly and it is similar to the pattern seen in heroin dependence.

And this is how easy it is to buy it:

I just hopped to the website whilst writing this and it took me less than a minute to get to this:

Shopping Cart

Price
Quantity

$52.75

Subtotal (1 item): $52.75

 

 2 clicks is all that it took and I could have placed the order from the convenience of my home. Or as my patients have advised me, I could try my local grocery store and make some discrete enquiries and can get a bottle for about 100 AUD.
This is very concerning.
It somehow gives the air that because its Ayurvedic medicine and is relatively easy to acquire it is safe which is absolutely not the case when you deal with people who have developed dependence after tasking these tablets.
I am using this platform to share information about this drug and its ill effects with a hope to raise as much awareness as possible. I have mentioned only Indian migrant men as main users but that is because I am an Indian medical professional who speaks a few dialects so attract these subgroups but there are other users as well – Australians, other Asian groups, women…
Drug dependence ruins lives – of users and of their loved ones. But fortunately an even stronger drug exists and that is the basic nature of us humans to never give up on each other. And on ourselves. And this quality will help us all to keep on our fight against illicit drugs, in our own special little ways –  creating more awareness and tolerance, one addict and one addiction at a time.

Short story: The answers

A short piece I wrote, loosely based on the story of a remarkable woman I had the privilege of knowing many moons ago. She led me to reflect on the intricacy and incredulity of our emotions and the effect they have in shaping our relation with self and with others. And a valuable lesson- about developing the beautiful ability to let go.                                                  As she lay on the bed, she drifted in and out of consciousness. She could hear the beeps of machines on the background of constant humming sound. What was this sound? Suddenly she was back in her childhood, and the humming sound was made by the drone flying out in the otherwise quiet and dark skies. Four people were sitting in the darkened basement awaiting sudden spray of bullets that had become the norm now that the Great War was drawing close to its end and just like a beast doing a final heart wrenching roar before its imminent demise, the war seemed to have become more deadly as it drew closer to its long awaited end.Even at the tender age, when the hardest task a child should be having to comprehend is how to read alphabets and count basic numbers, she understood that there were bad things happening around her and she could understand that these things should normally not happen. Otherwise why would mother keep cursing the wretched war and bemoaning her bad luck to be stuck with a husband at the war front and three young children to look after all on her own. She thought it was awfully nice of uncle Jack to be looking after their mum and comfort her when she was tired and sad. Just as the war had become a familiar noise and chaos in the background, having uncle Jack around the house became a way of life.

She couldn’t be too sure when uncle Jack metamorphed into dad but it remained a blur throughout the times when she was growing up. The toddler had craved a father so much that it was finally nice to have one and it didn’t really matter who or where he came from . She grew up to be a young lady and then a doting wife and then a proud mum and then a loving grandmother. She had a clean and comfortable town house with well-tended gardens and had her tea parties in the garden. She became a part of her local community, doing regular work as lollipop lady for the local school and also volunteering as part time canteen worker there. She loved being at school partly because, amongst many other things missed by her peers, regular school was a luxury denied to her generation. She would have loved to be a librarian but that would have required her to read fluently and it would have shamed her deeply if others could see that behind her carefully kept exterior she was just an illiterate person. She took great pride in her children’s literacy achievements and made it a point to display each and every certificate on display cupboard.

But then as her own old age crept on her, she found her mind playing games with her. Where was her real dad? Why did he never come back home? Had he died or had he simply abandoned her as it was the easier thing to do? Or perhaps the war messed his brain up and he couldn’t remember that he even had a family and especially a little girl who really wanted him to come back? Maybe he lived for many years trying to remember through the war riddled haze in his brain and had died, having met an agonizing end, tormented by these unanswered questions? Would things have been different if she had made some effort to connect with him? And then why had mother never spoken about this? Was she ashamed to have her little kids on her own? Was she not enough for her? Why did uncle Jack have to come into their lives and then become dad which he really wasn’t? She suddenly started feeling increasing more resentment towards her mother for putting her through this agony in her own old age and also rage against her father for not coming back home and not making any efforts to find her and explain things to her.

Day after day, simple things in life, which she took for granted like getting up in the morning, taking a shower, dressing up, preparing food, cleaning the house, became increasingly difficult. Her husband started showing concerns that she has become more forgetful and seems weak and tired all the time. Slowly she started losing the joy she found in loving her family and tending to the well-kept home she had created. As the layers of her comfort fell away, she became increasingly withdrawn and the demons in her head kept soaring higher and higher asking the same questions until she could actually see these horrible thoughts in shapes of monsters sitting by her bedside and mocking her.

As she tried to fight them with words and her feeble body, her family decided that she she was going mad and tried to make her comfortable by doing things for her and asking her not to move as she was making herself prone to falls with sudden lunging movements as if in the motion of hitting or pushing someone away. These restrictions made her more uncomfortable because now these demonous thoughts, which had by now taken familiar shapes and facial expressions, could just get their own way of laughing in her face, making fun of seemingly full life she created for herself but which in fact was hollow because the very creator of her person had chosen to abandon her and the other one had kept her in dark without any explanation as to why this had happened. She felt inexplicable pain and agitation that they could just make these judgements about her and brush her whole life away as if she was inconsequential all along. She felt outraged that they could just mock her whole life as if it was all make believe act that she lived throughout her life to mask the hollowness of her existence.

Any further attempts on her part to fight these demons were met by the assessments done by cold stethoscopes and blood tests by her family doctor and giving her some sedatives to calm her down. Could they not see that there was no calming for her now that demons had taken hold of her and were mocking her whole life? As she made final attempt to fight these, the family decided that mum was too sick and bundled her to the big hospital in ambulance. She was too weak to protest. Her attempts to communicate her position in her fight with the demons of the past were labelled delirious babble by her loved ones as well as by the authoritative figures at hospital in their white coats.

And then her family was told that she had a rare brain condition which had caused her to have a stroke and hence this delirium. As she lay there with her eyes closed and her chest rising and falling in shallow tired breaths, she finally understood that there are are some questions in life which are beyond our comprehension and sometimes we don’t get answers even where they are well deserved. She understood now that as a two year old little girl she had no control over the decisions her father or mother made and she could finally see the difficulties her mother went through to raise her and the siblings in those hard times and she could comprehend the fright his father must have felt fighting from a disease and dead bodies ridden trench. She could finally forgive them. She could finally see that she actually had a very full life with a loving husband who stood by her through thick and thin and together they had beautiful children who still rallied around her and loved her for what she was and not for what she had been or where she came from. Her past was not shameful anymore. She could see the happy faces of all the little children of neighbourhood she had helped on the crossing and in the canteen and the lack of any judgement in their joyful faces. She could hear the laughter in her tea parties. There was joy and contentment all around and she had created that by being who she was. She understood that life is very complicated and yet very simple because you don’t need to have all the questions answered and things don’t always have to be correct. As long as you have joy, love and peacefulness around you, it’s enough. As if in a movie, she saw all the demons fall in front of her and then evaporate in thin smoke to be gone forever and she felt lighter and free. She longed more than ever to share this contentment with her husband and family. It was at this point that nurse in charge of ward noted that beeping sound on bed 5 had stopped and she said a silent prayer for bed 5 as she made emergency call for cardiac arrest team to attend.

Lifestyle choices: Happiness or Fulfillment

The most common causes of illness in modern age are diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, mental health. Almost all the research into these ailments points towards lifestyle as being a significant contributor. Lifestyle is a choice we make. So does this mean at times we are choosing illness?

It’s an unpleasant thought but worth pondering over.

The recommended lifestyle choices for health and wellness are:

  1. Eat healthy – daily portion of fruits and veggies, lots of water, reduced amounts of processed and sugar rich foods, consuming most of the diet in the first three-quarters of the day, avoiding eating large portions of meals and avoiding eating after 6pm, avoiding smoking and excess amounts of caffeine, alcohol or drugs.
  2. Regular exercise – recommended regime is moderate intensity exercise 4-5 times per week for 30-40 minutes.
  3. Relaxation – all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy – the proverb has been around since 1600s so no new brainwave here but the hectic lifestyle of modern days makes it all the more relevant. If we are not actively practicing it then it can be quite easy not to switch off at all in today’s whirlwind pace. De-stressing, mindfulness, yoga, pursuing favourite hobby – these are all the ways to practice it.

The general lifestyle choices we do make are:

  1. Eating – diet is rich in processed foods, based more on comfort, driven by busy lifestyles. We have become so busy creating “the lifestyle” that the very basis of a healthy lifestyle i.e. a good diet is the first casualty. Its much easier to find the exotic flowers or bushes in our boutique gardens than the basics of kitchen herbs as it’s not that much of a thing anymore.
  2. Exercise – the organs to get the most exercise in today’s world are the eyes, followed by the fingers as we spend a significant amount of times in front of our social media connector devices.
  3. Relaxation – well, all I can comment here is that this is a rarity nowadays. If you ever find yourself truly relaxed, cherish and relish the moment as it has perhaps become the most difficult to achieve out of all the lifestyle choices.

So this is a quick snapshot of what we need to be doing and what we are actually doing. Why this imbalance?

Surely we are smarter than the last generations and have more intelligence and knowledge than our predecessors so logically should have figured it all by now about the lifestyle choices thing but it’s clearly become our biggest problem so what’s gone wrong?

What drives our lifestyle choices? I like to think that positive drivers by far outweigh the negative drivers.

The biggest positive drivers of lifestyle choices are happiness and fulfilment.

At first glance both seem to indicate the one and the same thing but they are actually very different. Happiness is an instant emotion – of momentary gratification. Eating a chocolate makes me happy but does this fulfil my life? Eating healthy for the whole day, exercising adequately and finding time to relax makes me feel fulfilled but doesn’t necessarily make me happy – I can’t remember feeling the same happiness whilst eating berries as that felt whilst tucking into an ice cream Sunday!

So what is more important – happiness or fulfilment?

I’m sure I’m not the first to stumble upon this philosophical thought. Lifestyle is a choice. A choice driven by our quest for happiness and fulfilment. Whichever emotion is more important to us will dictate what lifestyle choices we make. And our lifestyle choices have a significant bearing on the state of our health and wellness. Choose well.

 

Finding the balance in life

I was talking to someone yesterday and I was asked the question yet again – how do you find the balance? Its quite often working mums ,and an occasional dad, who asks this question as they find themselves struggling to find the balance in building a successful career, looking after self and simultaneously creating a content family life.

Well my answer on this occasion, as always, is that I can’t.

I can’t find the balancing act if I try to do it all by myself. For me to have the ability to find the balance I have to rely on the village that goes into building me and providing me the stability to finding it.

They say that behind every successful man there’s a woman. All I can say to that is that men seem to have got themselves an incredible deal as behind every successful woman there is not only a man but a whole team.

The team members can be different people and sometimes even things (like a tennis racket in my case as you’ll see).

So, my team members are:

  1. My partner. He is a big help as he treats me as a human being, without compartmentalising me and my role in our relationship into that of a woman.He doesn’t expect me to ‘be the woman’ and doesn’t burden me with the traditional expectations of my role in our family unit. I try my best to be the woman as I quite like it but I don’t have to tow any lines of expectations. In return I don’t expect him to ‘man up’ on all occasions. We both try and work on our strengths and try to respect each other as much as possible within the confines of emotional ups and downs of a relationship as delicate and strong as that of a married couple.
  2. My work colleagues and staff. I rely a lot on their support. I’m the first one to admit that if not for an efficient staff, my best efforts will not yield any meaningful outcomes as most work will quickly become disorganised, less efficient and will loose longitudinal productivity. We are all very different personalities but we try to keep the focus on work and mutually agreed outcomes so that even if there are disagreements along the way, we keep the ultimate focus in view and not allow any disagreements become personal. Mutual respect, tolerance and regular evaluations of expected outcomes help to maintain a healthy relationship.
  3. My family and friends. These are people such as my parents, siblings and other people that I have emotional attachments with. These are people that I don’t interact with on daily basis but they are always there in the background, ready to lend a sympathetic ear or even an occasional hand when I need help. I make a conscious effort to be mindful of how much I ask from a relationship and try my best to give back in equal measure so that the emotional state of the relationship stays balanced and healthy so either sides don’t get drained from strains which are inevitable from time to time. In this rapidly shrinking world that is incredibly well connected by social media, we are actually becoming poorer in human connection. I use the social media as much as I need to but my focus stays on human connection and this is the section of my team where I put most efforts in maintaining it.
  4. My dog and tennis coach. Between the two of them, these guys make sure that I get 30-45 minutes of decent intensity exercise at least 4-5 times per week. Tennis is almost like meditation for me. I held a tennis racket for the first time in my life last year although I grew up on the staple diet of badminton as an Army kid but can now have a half decent game of tennis with my unforgiving coach who doesn’t care what kind of day I’ve had and always expects high standards from me on the court which needs undivided attention. My dog is not much more lenient either and expects her exercise no matter what my own circumstances are. Tired? Tough. Pick up the lead and let’s go. I have a whole heap of running and sniffing to do for the next 45 minutes so cut the slack please.
  5. Last but not the least – the integral part of my success story are the people I work most closely with – my patients. I have no qualms about bragging and saying that I’ve had the privilege of looking after some of the best personalities ever! My patients enrich my life experiences everyday. People constantly talk about their quest for good doctors. Well here’s a secret – doctors hope for good patients too. And I have had the incredible luck where every single patient I’ve interacted with has enriched me in some way. And some have touched my life at a much deeper level than they will ever realise and they’ve done so by making me work harder at finding solutions to there problems, challenging me to keep up-skilling myself to meet their health needs, reflecting on deeper issues in life to incorporate that into my medical training to manage health holistically.

I will not be able to have any conversation about being a success if not for any of these team members. Even if I am having a bad day or an endless moment of self doubt , one of my trusted team members is there to pick me up – sometimes knowingly but mostly without having any awareness of doing so. These beautiful moments have instilled the character trait of reciprocating and lending a helpful ear or a hand, saying kind words as you never know which word or gesture might end up impacting someone’s life significantly, or at least making their day easier.

How do you know if you’ve got the balance thing right? If you wake up with a light heart, decide to be the architect of your day, get ready to go to work with excitement and come home to smiling faces then definitely you’re doing something right and you have your team working just right.

Its no fun, and in fact not possible, to do it all by yourself. Get your team and make it work for you. But keep in mind that you’re part of other people’s teams too and have to pull your weight in making it work for them. I have the village working to make me a success but I am not the village. I am a part of the village, lending myself to others in the village and we all try to make it the best village ever!

 #healthandwellness

Early Pregnancy Loss

Experiencing a miscarriage can be very difficult. As a health care professional, whenever I sit with a patient or a couple going through early pregnancy loss, I get a glimpse of the turmoil they experience as they process the medical information given to them about miscarriage.

It’s not unusual to get a sense of failure, particularly when the pregnancy was planned and quite wanted. Quite often the women experiencing miscarriage will feel helpless or angry with themselves for not being able to hold the pregnancy and sometimes there can even be frustration directed at medical profession for not being able to offer any help in avoiding this unfortunate incident.

But rarely do I hear a woman say that she has heard of this happening to someone she knows or any such recollection about hearing the experience touching the life of someone else in their social circle. This makes it even harder for people to process this sad event as they go through it. There’s a sentiment that other people try for pregnancy and seem to get pregnant so why couldn’t they do it too?

The reality in answering these questions is that early pregnancy miscarriage is quite common. As common as 1 in every 5 pregnancies.

So obviously if people aren’t hearing about it as much in their personal environment then its likely that people deal with their loss at personal level but they aren’t talking about it.

So when it does happen to someone they can feel quite isolated in their experience.

Some of us prefer to deal with our losses in private and that’s fine but the kind of silence I am talking about is when we do want to talk about or discuss our loss to make some sense of it but just don’t feel comfortable enough doing so as it hasn’t been brought up in a conversation sort of way.

Talking about lived experiences normalises things in a way which makes it easier for people when they are living through those experiences themselves or if they find themselves in a supportive role for someone else living through it.

The first question that comes to a woman’s or couple’s mind as they face early pregnancy loss is why? Why did it happen? And why did it happen to me?

So lets discuss the most common causes of miscarriage:

  1. Chromosomal abnormalitis : This is the most common cause – about 80% of all cases. Just as a house is made with bricks, our basic structural foundations come from chromosomes which hold our genetic make up together. To make a sturdy house, the bricks have to be good quality and laid in a perfect manner, without any gaps or slants. Otherwise the building is not strong and will get damaged quite quickly. Similarly, to make a perfect baby, the genetic material has to come from mother and father and has to meet together in a required manner to make a healthy baby. Nature tries it every time but things don’t quite work out perfectly each time. Our bodies are clever enough to recognise the mistake when its made and sets the wheels in motion for damage control by not letting this pregnancy grow any further as the imperfections in genetic sequencing mean that such pregnancy will give rise to baby with physical or mental disabilities. Nothing you have done or not done is responsible for this. It just happens by chance.
  2. Mother’s health and age : If mother has other health issues such as undiagnosed or poorly treated diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, anaemia etc then these can interfere with growth of a pregnancy in early as well as later stages. So it’s a good idea to attend for a pre pregnancy consultation with your health care provider when you’re thinking about having a baby. Advancing maternal age also plays a role in the rate of chromosomal anomalies and the related higher rate of miscarriages in early pregnancy.
  3. Smoking, alcohol, drug use: All these factors play a significant role in rates of early pregnancy loss. Abstinence is the best advice but even if you feel you can’t quit completely, it’s always worth discussing to see what steps you can take to minimise any harm.
  4. Previous history of miscarriages: If you’ve had three miscarriages, particularly with no normal pregnancies in between, then it’s quite suggestive of an underlying health issue which may be making it difficult for the pregnancy to grow and definitely warrants further investigations under specialist care for such possible causes.

So the take home message with miscarriages is that they are common – as common as 1 in 5. Don’t stress too much if you’ve had 1 or even 2 miscarriages as they are very likely related to a chance chromosomal problem and is not likely to happen again. It’s not your fault as foods you eat, usual chores or work you do, continuing gym exercises doesn’t cause miscarriage except in some rare circumstances. Don’t hesitate to talk about it if you feel it may help you feel better. Offer positive support to anyone you think might benefit from it to make the experience bit easier for them. If possible plan your pregnancy, seek advice from your health care professional before you start trying so that they can help you start the process in a healthy state. Keep positive. It’s good to know your facts and be aware that early pregnancy miscarriage rate is high but for each miscarriage there are four healthy pregnancies coming to a happier and far more desirable end:)

Problems in life

Problems. Life. Two separate things which are generally running together and at certain times the former seems to take over the latter.

The key thing is that problems may be a part of life but problems are not life.

Think of a rose bush.

The plant itself is the life.

The beautiful fragrant flowers are the things going well, the good experiences.

The dried up, droopy and stenchy flowers and leaves are the problems.

Nature has made the rose bush in such a way that it will always have the rotting bits but the bush will drop them off and allow the new ones to bloom, keeping its beauty and appeal to the eye.

Life is the same. It can sometimes have so many complications and problems that the life itself seems lost in them, but it will always have an underlying beauty and the promise., provided you give it a chance.

Just as the rose bush will thrive better with regular pruning and some regular watering and tending, our life benefits from regular reflections and tidying up and organising of the thoughts and some regular dose of loving care and kindness to ourselves.

What do I mean from tidying up of thoughts?

It’s taking stock of what our problems are. Choose top 2 on your list and then think them through. Are they really a problem or are you perceiving it as being a far bigger issue than it actually is?

Then break it down.

Every single problem can be dealt in 4 possible ways:

  1. Has a tangible solution. Act and solve it so it stops being a problem.
  2. Doesn’t have a solution and doesn’t have to remain a part of life. Let go of it. 
  3. Doesn’t have a solution but has to remain a part of life. Accept it and see how you can find a way to live with it. I’ll give a personal example here. I have chosen a slightly bigger and loftier problem but it can be of any level. I see poverty and its effect on children as being a big problem and it’s a social issue that affects me. I like my material comforts but having this sentiment makes me feel guilty of enjoying them while there are people out there suffering at extreme levels. This conflict has the potential to make me feel disillusioned and discontent which can take my mojo in life away. I also know I can’t change the situation. But I have to find a way to live with it. I have done it by adopting a child and a family. It’s not changing the world but there is a family that I am lending a helping hand to through their tough times and there is child who is getting meals on time, adequate clothes and shoes and is attending school, all of which wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. I understand that I’m not getting rid of the problem of poverty and it will still be here long after I am gone but I feel satisfied that I’m doing what I can at this stage in life and the conscientiousness of looking out for community events and helping out now and again has given me the ability to deal with the problem and accept it, without it having an ongoing impact on me psychologically.
  4. Has a solution. But there’s not much you can do about it at present. There’s a possibility you may be able to do something about it in the future so you accept the problem as part of your life – but not forever. The ultimate outcome is either reaching a solution or reaching the point of admitting that nothing more can be done and the problem needs to be allowed to let go. Keep the solution in focus, decide how far you are willing to go to put up with the problem and where are you going to draw the line – be clear about this specific point. I’ll again take a personal example here to illustrate this approach to problem solving. When I am talking to a drug or alcohol user who is not yet ready to quit, despite it being the best solution to their problem, my focus changes from harm elimination to harm reduction. I stop talking about giving up drugs (although I keep bringing it up at regular intervals) and start talking about using clean syringes to reduce the risk of acquiring and then spreading blood borne infections such as HIV and Hepatitis C, steering clear of unlawful activities, engaging with the available social services they can use. Some may argue about the righteousness of using tax payers money but I don’t think any of those arguing would want to be the next person whose house or car gets broken into by a drug user. The shattering effect of living through this experience is becoming all too commonplace . I’ve sat with patients and watched them transform from well functioning, hard working people to paranoid and traumatised people who are struggling to get through even the most basic of life functions, simply from having a mere few minutes experience of having their personal space violently invaded by someone who doesn’t even have the clarity of thought to know clearly what they are doing or to care about the consequences of their actions. I still keep my focus on the ultimate aim of them quitting drugs and become a functioning and useful part of society again but I’ll continue to manage their drug use related problems until that time comes. To minimise the wider ill effects of their drug use. But this is where the element of drawing a line comes in . If this drug user then starts creating problems in the waiting room for other patients or the staff, asks for scripts for prescription medications, steals or forges scripts etc then I accept that there’s nothing more I can do about the problem here and have to let go.

These four breakdowns of problems work every single time for me – from something as simple as doing the laundry becoming a problem to much bigger personal dilemmas such as employment, traumatic life experiences, perceived challenging behaviours from significant others.

The key is to not to do anything about a problem. That’s when it starts to overtake our lives and starts being the life itself. Separate. Problems. and Life.